I dedicate this site to the memory of my stepdaughter, Heather, who was murdered on Thanksgiving 2017. I want to chronicle some of the events and spiritual insights that happened. It is my hope that this may help some other souls who stumble upon this site. Maybe some good can come off this after all (read more here).  ~ May 2018

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Grief and Dying: How to deal with a painful Anniversary, such as the Death of a Loved One

Grief and Dying:  How to deal  with a painful  Anniversary

Friday11/22/2019 8:46 a.m.

The topic is how to deal with a painful anniversary, such as the death of a loved one.

My stepdaughter Heather was murdered on 11/22/2017, so today the two-year anniversary of her death is just one day away. As can be expected, it’s a very emotionally charged time for me, and to be honest I have been sort of freaking out about it a bit, not sure how to go about that day. I already tried a session yesterday to get some guidance on this topic, but nothing came through.  Maybe it’s because I am too emotionally charged about this.  So today I tried again. At first nothing comes through, either, and just as  was about to give up again, the floodgates opened and some very good advice came through.  I think it is generally applicable, and maybe it can be helpful to others in a similar situation, so here is the transcript.


11-22 – oh how I hate that date!  Only one more day until the anniversary of Heather’s murder. Not sure how to get through it, other than letting the clock tick. What else can you do?  So I calm the mind, see if anything comes through…  So are you here?

The Club: We are here.

I need help…. Nothing is coming? Not sure what to say…

You are doing already what you can. Take it one day at a time.

[Pause. Nothing further is coming through.  I am about to give up for the day, and write “End.” I then get up and walk into another room, wondering why nothing comes through and how this could be improved, and then it comes to me in a flood…]

You expect this to be like a great spirit that is talking to you, and then nothing comes!  But you know, it is always talking with and through your subconscious.  And your subconscious is ALWAYS there.  If you stop pretending that the answers will come from somebody else, then it will always be there.

[I sit down again, write this down, and it continues]

For who is somebody else?  We are not “your voices.” We are INTRICATELY, not even connected to you, but we ARE you.  Sometimes, as you know, we add new insights out of the blue, and you are left to guess where this comes from.  But overall, don’t make this to be some magical process, channeling spirits, but just talk to yourself.

So your question is?

 

How to deal with Heather’s anniversary of her death.

And now ask your subconscious!

OK, Club, what does my subconscious++ tell me? (smiling).

 

Well, what are your options.  Let you and us review them:

  • You mull through the day [and are miserable].
  • You do something constructive with this day, like you did last year, that breaks the negative conditioning over the years.

That’s what you did last year, and it was good.  Now look, you will never get over the day, the memory, it is there forever for you.  But you can change how you experience the day.

Remember this:  Tomorrow is not THE day!  The day is two years in the past. It is only through your memory and meaning-making-machine that you give tomorrow its special meaning: as an anniversary of that dreadful day.

But it is really a completely different day!  Say, like June 21 has nothing to do with November 23. Tomorrow is a completely different construct in spacetime.

Yes, the earth has moved around the sun one full year and is the same spot – relative to the sun.  But only that!  Since two years ago, the sun has moved itself relative to the rest of the universe. In astrology you would say, the constellation of the stars is all different. [See the animation on the bottom of the page.]

But you see, it is all relative!
An anniversary is always relative!
At a greater scale, beyond our solar system, there can never be an anniversary!
Do you see?

 

Yes, this helps.

 

So the mental anguish you feel is because you give this day tomorrow a special meaning based on the human experience, being embedded in the seasons, the reoccurring holidays, like Thanksgiving [Heather was murdered on Thanksgiving day],  all due to the earth’s travel around the sun in one year.

But really, any day is as fresh and new as the next one.

So the thing to see is: tomorrow is “just” another day,  just like all the other remaining 364 days.*
*[The quotes around “just” was meant to convey that any new day is really a miracle.  And 364  means 365 days per year, minus this one.]

Whatever special “negative” meaning you give to it, it all comes from your mind and memory.

 

MmHmm.

 

So to say: “Heather died ‘today’ two years ago” is actually an impossibility.  
That day is in the past.
It only lives as a special marker in your memory.

Any day, again say March 3rd, is just as new and fresh as November 23!  

And every day, we know, you carry the pain within you.  
And just because the calendar says “November 23,” you think that today it is worse!
But it’s not – only because you make it so.

Remember:
the calendar says November 23 >2019< !  
It does not say November 23 >2017< !  [the day she died]
That is a subtle but powerful point.

So this extra pain you laden on top of you is just because you as a 3D human in this solar system honor “anniversaries” as a special way to mark and remember!

But in this case: you don’t need [anything special] to remember – you do that already every day.  

 

Every day, yes!

 

She is with you every day, too!  In every minute and second, you carry her in your heart – and she is with you, standing next to you right now.

So, why burden yourself more with this anniversary?!
All it does is to put more pressure on you!

Go enjoy the day!  Especially this day!  Heather would like you, and B., to do that.
The grief is always there. Why make it worse that day?  Because it is just any day – completely different from THE day two years ago.

Here is another way to think about it.  Remember how in Star Trek they have this thing called “a star date?” They are traveling in a spaceship through the universe, a ship that is any longer tied to the earth’s seasons. And you know, time travels differently as the observer moves (special relativity). So November 23 here is completely different there.  It may be called stardate 20102623 or whatever – to indicate it is a completely different day.

So tomorrow, do not think of it as “November 23” but as, say, stardate 20632193, completely separated from that fateful day – in the past.

[After I wrote this, I remember another way.  Sometimes I label files on the computer with the dates in reverse order so that they sort correctly. For example, instead of November 23 2019, it would be 20191123, and having the year first arguably emphasizes more that it is a different day all together]

The past is not the present or the future.  The past ties into the present, clearly, as does the future. But the present IS ALWAYS different.

No need to heap mental anguish on you.  Time to make fresh memories, to augment the bad with the positive, so that it does not weigh you down more so than it already does on a daily basis.

 

OK. I got it, and will share this with B.

Heather would like you to.

OK, thank you so much!


Here is an animation that shows how our motion through space is not simply a rotation through space.

Here is a article on forbes that nicely explains how we move around the sun, the sun through the galaxy, and the galaxy itself within the universe.  So all these motions add up, and this video here is not quite correct, but serves as an illustration.

 

Namaste — I bow to you and the Divine in you.
~Hanns

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