I dedicate this site to the memory of my stepdaughter, Heather, who was murdered on Thanksgiving 2017. I want to chronicle some of the events and spiritual insights that happened. It is my hope that this may help some other souls who stumble upon this site. Maybe some good can come off this after all (read more here).  ~ May 2018

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Shame as Internal Conflict

Shame is to bring a past situation into the present, applying a standard to it you do not meet, which creates an internal conflict that is felt and expressed as shame.

4/4/2020 7:35a.m.

Sitting outside, bundled up because it’s cold.  Sun’s up over the ridge. Sipping my coffee, tuning in.

I wanted to maybe talk about “shame,” about being ashamed.  The other day I did something, where I was in the legal right, but I could have been “the greater man” and given in. And now I somewhat feel ashamed over it.

What I am getting here, though, is this:  “there is nothing wrong with standing your ground.”

How can that be, in a world where all is the same [ and ultimately one]?

The Club: We are here.  That is not the issue. You, as humans, do live in a word of separation. In this case, giving in, would it have lessened the separation?

Hmm, there would have been less conflict, or turmoil.

If you had given in, then you may gotten mad that you had given in and that you would have been further late.  So there was to be turmoil one way or another.  You were already in a bad mindset. And there would have been frustration one way or another.

At this moment, you were not ready to “just eat it,” or let it go.

Correct. I would have gotten p.o.ed that I let it go.

So you just transferred that into the external. And since external and internal are really just one – it’s all the same.

So we went from [talking about] feeling ashamed to conflict !?

Feeling ashamed is also a conflict.  You are conflicted about an action you did and how you think you should have acted.  Now there is a tension.
Here, you hold up some standard over your action that you ultimately did not meet and thus feel ashamed.

So feeling ashamed is ultimately psychological conflict.  

The same with rage, anger and so on.  Only, they are often more in the present: the situation right now is not as “it should be” and you get angry.  With shame, the situation is in the past.

It is really a judgment call, the opposite of feeling proud about a past action.
[Added later: And do you feel bad about feeling proud? No. Yet the mechanism, assigning judgment, is the same.]

So if you want to talk about shame, it is really about making judgments of some (past) thing or action.

No matter, it [shame] is a conflict, or turmoil – from the past, or about the pat – brought into the present.

So really, to resolve this shame, is to resolve a conflict or turmoil.

Now, look up these words.

[Doing so.  Not all too much help, results are shown below the text ]

Well, not much help here.  It basically all expresses how we feel at those moments.  Conflict, thus, is to beat or strike, thereby to be in opposition.  One side tries to beat the other into submission or nothingness.

V: Right. And that was the topic in one of your books.

Correct, in the Steps [The Steps of Essence], it was to resolve by beholding.

Basically, this inner conflict is expressing me, my totality, in this moment.

And your action at that moment in the past expressed you at that moment, brought into that moment. 

Could you have acted differently?  Sure! 

Should you?  That is a futile question. AS you wrote [in the Steps]: do not should on yourself so much. 
Right now, you are should-ing on yourself. 

Nobody was hurt, feathers were ruffled, and that’s it.

Time to let go?

 … and learn from it. What lesson do you want to carry from this?

Even when emotions are high, be able to step back.

Nice ambition, but hard to do, right? (smiling)

Right. When you are in the fire of the moment, very hard to do.

So, the issue is more on how to resolve the emotion that is remaining: shame, an inner conflict.
You will have to resolve it.

The underlying issue is: “it should not have been like that.”

But as we said, in that moment, if you had backed down, you would also have been angry, so another emotion would have been carried forward.

The best you can to realize, the situation HAS NO INHERENT MEANING.

You are creating your meaning.

Remember what we said:  different soul configurations will see this [same] moment and interpret it differently.  This is a perfect example for the many-minds approach we talked about.

The situation is neutral.  Things happen, or don’t happen, things get said.

But the interpretation, including what you carry forward into THIS moment as shame, or anger, or whatever, IS YOU experiencing this moment.

Yes.  So I could have acted differently, and other variants of me did.

Sure, like at any choice point, there are alternatives and all are taken.


So one approach is to meditate on the emptiness of that moment in itself.  And how you had conditioned it to be like THAT.

Recognize the conditioning, and that will resolve it?

Maybe. Again, how can it be certain, “will resolve it,” when all are taken?  
But yes, it has the potential to do so.

“Conditioning,” we had that before:  a talking together ( con-  + dictare, or something).  Here, the interpretation of the situation was and is conditioned., through my past experience and inner dialogue.

Exactly. That made it and makes it to you what it is.  And you have to realize, you are a firecracker, it is in your DNA.  You learned to control it often, but if you get stressed in a situation, the fuse is short, so to speak.

Yes. Makes sense.  So let me work on it.  Thank you.

You are welcome, firecracker.  Smiling.


Here is the meaning of the words, which I looked up earlier

  1. “Conflict”, also afflict, inflict, profligate:  from “con-“ (with) and “fligere” (to strike, hit, beat down)  Ultimately from IE “bligh” (to strike).  Thereby, to “be in opposition, be contrary.”
  2. “Shame” from Germanic skamo, origin unknown, but maybe from IE *skem, *kem-, “to cover” as in to cover oneself when feeling ashamed.
  3. "Turmoil," origin unknown, possibly from French “tremouille” meaning “mill hopper,” a part in a mill that jumps back and forth.

Namaste — I and the Divine in me bow to You and the Divine in You.

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